Why I believe in God

So today was a rough one. I'm still kinda new to this blogging thing but I do know one thing. While I am typically a private person, I am also not great at inauthenticity. And in order for this blogging thing to work, I need to share even when it is uncomfortable.  And in order for me to grow, I have to get uncomfortable. So, I guess this is all fair warning that I'm about to get really real and if you don't like it - I'm sorry. I get it, though. The truth hurts. Even when it's not your truth. 

So, ready or not, here it goes. My financial business will officially be in the streets. [DEEP BREATH IN & OUT]. Okay.... we are sooo doing this!

So, I haven't opened mail in about a week because we literally have no money to pay anything anyway. The unopened stack of mail is at least 5 inches high. It gives me anxiety and angst when I know what needs to be paid, and that I can't pay it. So I cope by avoiding it altogether until I know we can pay something. 

We had a little bit of money come in so I decided to pay some bills. Bad plan. That always tends to ruin my day, you know? Anyway, I boldly approach the menacing stack and began to open them one-by-one. I noticed a few from the MVA (Motor Vehicle Administration). I should have stuck my head into the mud and just lived there forever. Do you see how much anxiety this invokes in me?! I opened the MVA letters and.... 

The MVA informed me that I owed $150.00 per car for a 5 day lapse that occurred while I was out of the country with limited access to internet. It was a wonder that I even saw the email back in November, from GIC (that's the code name for our top secret insurance company). GIC informed me that our car insurance had lapsed due to non-payment of premium. I'm guessing they tried to take the money but it wasn't there and they tried to contact me but I was out of pocket. Anyway, by the time I realized what was going on and was able to get the payment made, the insurance had already lapsed so GIC re-instated it. Well, now I have learned that there are steep penalties for having a lapse in coverage for even one day. In the state of Maryland, if your insurance lapse for 1-30 days, you must pay them $150 for each car effected. Thankfully, we only have two but that is $300 that we simply did not have to pay. No, seriously, we literally did not have it. I don't think I've been in this much financial crisis since college and back then,  it wasn't a crisis. 

I called GIC Insurance and spoke to a very annoying representative who basically told me that there is nothing she could do for me. I explained to her that I was out of the

This is how this kind of broke feels

country, I told her how dire my financial situation was and that I hadn't had any accidents or claims during the lapse. I told her I would sign whatever she needed me to and she basically said, "Yeah, um, we don't do that."

I hung up frustrated and angry. A tear rolled down my cheek from the frustration. Then I decided to call the MVA. Well, that was a waste. The lady was like, "Okay, how do you want to pay?" To which I responded, "I don't have it. I mean, I really can't pay you." She went on to say that basically my options are to pay it all now or not pay it and not drive (and take the risk). 

Okay, now I'm done with everybody! Frustrated and angry multiplied by 10. This is bad... We need to drive so we can work. This can't be happening. Then, after crying like a teenager hurt by their first love, I called GIC back. But right before I called, I prayed. 

This time, I got a more amiable representative. I explained to her the situation and she kept putting me on hold. Then she came back very apologetic and empathetic. She told me that she knew what it felt like to experience a lapse in insurance and how she was very sorry that I had to go through this. She made me feel better because she cared, but strangely, I felt even more anxious and uncomfortable than before. Then she hits me with it... "Don't worry. I am going to help you. I have removed the lapse and will notify the MVA on your behalf so that you don't have to pay the fees." [INSERT LONG AWKWARD SILENCE HERE]
Amiable GIC Rep: Hello? Mrs. Hailemariam? 
Me: yup (faintly)
Amiable GIC Rep: Did you hear what I said?
Me: yup (between sniffles)
Amiable GIC Rep: Oh no! I'm sorry. Please don't cry. We're going to fix this for you. Everything is going to be okay. 
Me: [lost it completely! crying, sobbing out loud... literally] Thank you SO MUCH! You have no idea how you have bless my life today. Thank you. 

Then about a week later, I got this in the mail: 

She did what she said. And so did God. The story can be explained away so many ways but I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and I believe that God made me. I believe that I am no accident and no matter what, God always takes care of me. I have a purpose while I am here on earth, until God says I'm done with my assignment and calls me home, through death. I believe that my home is Heaven. And I believe that this whole fiasco was God's reminder to me, "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 NLT

It feels very alone out here. It's funny too, because years ago, we were the people that friends and family came to. And when they did, we were usually there to help. We always paid for everyone. We were generous when giving gifts. We gave loans with no expectation of repayment. We enjoyed sharing the wealth and helping people when they needed it. My, my how the tables have turned. After a downhill spiral of several major life-changing events we are living paycheck to paycheck (actually, the money runs out well before the next paycheck so is there a name for that?), we are renting again, we are surviving on one 12 year old car and we can barely afford to keep our child in her extra-curricular activities. Yes. Times are hard. But that is only when you look at life through financial eyes. When speaking of my physical or emotional health, I am amazing!! 

I really do try not to complain about much. I drive myself crazy when I think too negatively or complain about anything more than once. So I avoid it. I stay positive by any means necessary. I'm thinking it's a survival tactic. Either way, the truth is, stuff still bothers me. This is real life and real life sucks sometimes. It can be very heavy. I could say that I cast my cares on the Lord and He solves all of my problems but that's way too simplistic. I mean, it is true but that dilutes the message. If that's what you do, then good for you. My struggle is real. I trust Him but I don't - if I'm honest, because I still worry sometimes. I want His plan for my life - but I don't because I want my own plan. I believe He sees me and never forgets me 

 but I don't - because sometimes I believe that there are bigger problems and other people that need help and saving before me. I feel like I should not be complaining every time I do. Sometimes I feel like because I cannot see the help around the corner, it may not be there at all. And I think that if we were all honest, you share at least some of my sentiments. Why do we think we have to do and say all the right things? Meanwhile, God already knows! So why bother?! Instead, I go to Him in prayer. 

I am typically all jacked up about whatever is rattling my brain and I just say that to God. I think that is exactly what God wants me to do. In fact, I don't have to think it because the Bible actually tells us so. There you have it. God took care of it. He set things up so that I could feel how bad it could really get and then He protected me from actually having to experience it. And as long as we are stretched financially, I have absolutely no choice but to depend on God for my needs. This is why I struggle. This is why I suffer and go through. God knows that it brings me closer to Him and keeps me in communication with Him. So I have to wonder... Knowing what I know, will God ever bless me financially? I guess that is on me. God is looking at WHO I am and whether my actions are aligned with what I say I believe. I am sure that I have more growing to do but I am willing to get there if the Lord will have me.