Judge not

The last year before I left my job in June 2015 was tough. It was filled with conflict, struggles, tug-of-wars, politics, hurt, frustration and disappointments. It definitely lost its luster. I was beat up and badly bruised by the sequence of events that exposed a lot of people that were in my life. People flipping the truth, twisting my words, telling blatant lies and some of this was from people whose truth dare not be questioned. During the last 6 months, I thought there were cameras somewhere because my life literally became the best reality show on TV to date. Trust me.

I'm telling you! Clearly, God was annoyed with me for ignoring His previous "pushes" and now, He was going to make it so I basically had no choice but to leave. [Anyone been there before?] But even in all of His frustration with me, He made it so that I was able to leave on my own terms, and plan for my family. Even when life seems to hate my guts, He is so good to me. And I am the LAST person to deserve it. 

Last year was the most revealing, adventurous and by far the loneliest year of my life. I battled with depression and major anxiety BIG TIME. I finally got on medication to help me get things under control and if you know anything about me, you know the situation must have been pretty desperate for me to medicate. I was in therapy with one of the best therapists around and boy did she help me unlock my own Pandora's Box. A necessary but very painful process. Even throughout all of that, I think the greatest pain came when someone very near and dear to me, turned on me and stabbed me in the back. And then, while the blood from my back was dripping down her hands, she still tried to smile in my face and hug me. What?!! Talk about DIRTY. The only thing worse than a liar is a passive aggressive one. But even though I couldn't control her actions, I could control my own. How come everybody else could see her for who she was? Why did I keep believing and trusting in the friendship? At the end of the day, I let her in. I needed to stop acting like the victim, put my big girl panties on and accept responsibility for my contribution to my mess. Once I did that, it got me thinking about a bigger question: 

What is it about human beings 

that makes us so judgmental? 

I really don't get it. 

Honestly, I probably would be more judgmental if I cared enough. I just don't. Don't get me wrong. I care about you as a person alive on this earth with struggles, victories, pain and peace. But I just don't have the emotional or mental energy to spend on your sin or failures. I have my own!! I'm still trying to get myself right, so I'm sorry, but I can't deal with you in that way right now. And that's just real talk. 

Where exactly did we get the high and mighty-ism that I see so often? Do you know what I am talking about or am I all alone on this branch out here? Either way, I have granted myself license to talk about it because this just so happens NOT to be one of my MANY struggles. lol! But I think about stuff like homosexuality. Why do Christians, in particular, make such a giant deal of it? Okay, okay, we think it's bad - I get it. But I thought that sin was sin? When did homosexuality become the greatest sin ever? Sometimes it even feels like because we aren't caught up in THAT particular sin then we get to talk bad about it. 

Moral of the story: 

I probably just lost every single follower I had now. All 5 of you. smh... 

I suppose this might be an appropriate time to step down from my lil soapbox. 

#sodone

Why I believe in God

So today was a rough one. I'm still kinda new to this blogging thing but I do know one thing. While I am typically a private person, I am also not great at inauthenticity. And in order for this blogging thing to work, I need to share even when it is uncomfortable.  And in order for me to grow, I have to get uncomfortable. So, I guess this is all fair warning that I'm about to get really real and if you don't like it - I'm sorry. I get it, though. The truth hurts. Even when it's not your truth. 

So, ready or not, here it goes. My financial business will officially be in the streets. [DEEP BREATH IN & OUT]. Okay.... we are sooo doing this!

So, I haven't opened mail in about a week because we literally have no money to pay anything anyway. The unopened stack of mail is at least 5 inches high. It gives me anxiety and angst when I know what needs to be paid, and that I can't pay it. So I cope by avoiding it altogether until I know we can pay something. 

We had a little bit of money come in so I decided to pay some bills. Bad plan. That always tends to ruin my day, you know? Anyway, I boldly approach the menacing stack and began to open them one-by-one. I noticed a few from the MVA (Motor Vehicle Administration). I should have stuck my head into the mud and just lived there forever. Do you see how much anxiety this invokes in me?! I opened the MVA letters and.... 

The MVA informed me that I owed $150.00 per car for a 5 day lapse that occurred while I was out of the country with limited access to internet. It was a wonder that I even saw the email back in November, from GIC (that's the code name for our top secret insurance company). GIC informed me that our car insurance had lapsed due to non-payment of premium. I'm guessing they tried to take the money but it wasn't there and they tried to contact me but I was out of pocket. Anyway, by the time I realized what was going on and was able to get the payment made, the insurance had already lapsed so GIC re-instated it. Well, now I have learned that there are steep penalties for having a lapse in coverage for even one day. In the state of Maryland, if your insurance lapse for 1-30 days, you must pay them $150 for each car effected. Thankfully, we only have two but that is $300 that we simply did not have to pay. No, seriously, we literally did not have it. I don't think I've been in this much financial crisis since college and back then,  it wasn't a crisis. 

I called GIC Insurance and spoke to a very annoying representative who basically told me that there is nothing she could do for me. I explained to her that I was out of the

This is how this kind of broke feels

country, I told her how dire my financial situation was and that I hadn't had any accidents or claims during the lapse. I told her I would sign whatever she needed me to and she basically said, "Yeah, um, we don't do that."

I hung up frustrated and angry. A tear rolled down my cheek from the frustration. Then I decided to call the MVA. Well, that was a waste. The lady was like, "Okay, how do you want to pay?" To which I responded, "I don't have it. I mean, I really can't pay you." She went on to say that basically my options are to pay it all now or not pay it and not drive (and take the risk). 

Okay, now I'm done with everybody! Frustrated and angry multiplied by 10. This is bad... We need to drive so we can work. This can't be happening. Then, after crying like a teenager hurt by their first love, I called GIC back. But right before I called, I prayed. 

This time, I got a more amiable representative. I explained to her the situation and she kept putting me on hold. Then she came back very apologetic and empathetic. She told me that she knew what it felt like to experience a lapse in insurance and how she was very sorry that I had to go through this. She made me feel better because she cared, but strangely, I felt even more anxious and uncomfortable than before. Then she hits me with it... "Don't worry. I am going to help you. I have removed the lapse and will notify the MVA on your behalf so that you don't have to pay the fees." [INSERT LONG AWKWARD SILENCE HERE]
Amiable GIC Rep: Hello? Mrs. Hailemariam? 
Me: yup (faintly)
Amiable GIC Rep: Did you hear what I said?
Me: yup (between sniffles)
Amiable GIC Rep: Oh no! I'm sorry. Please don't cry. We're going to fix this for you. Everything is going to be okay. 
Me: [lost it completely! crying, sobbing out loud... literally] Thank you SO MUCH! You have no idea how you have bless my life today. Thank you. 

Then about a week later, I got this in the mail: 

She did what she said. And so did God. The story can be explained away so many ways but I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and I believe that God made me. I believe that I am no accident and no matter what, God always takes care of me. I have a purpose while I am here on earth, until God says I'm done with my assignment and calls me home, through death. I believe that my home is Heaven. And I believe that this whole fiasco was God's reminder to me, "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 NLT

It feels very alone out here. It's funny too, because years ago, we were the people that friends and family came to. And when they did, we were usually there to help. We always paid for everyone. We were generous when giving gifts. We gave loans with no expectation of repayment. We enjoyed sharing the wealth and helping people when they needed it. My, my how the tables have turned. After a downhill spiral of several major life-changing events we are living paycheck to paycheck (actually, the money runs out well before the next paycheck so is there a name for that?), we are renting again, we are surviving on one 12 year old car and we can barely afford to keep our child in her extra-curricular activities. Yes. Times are hard. But that is only when you look at life through financial eyes. When speaking of my physical or emotional health, I am amazing!! 

I really do try not to complain about much. I drive myself crazy when I think too negatively or complain about anything more than once. So I avoid it. I stay positive by any means necessary. I'm thinking it's a survival tactic. Either way, the truth is, stuff still bothers me. This is real life and real life sucks sometimes. It can be very heavy. I could say that I cast my cares on the Lord and He solves all of my problems but that's way too simplistic. I mean, it is true but that dilutes the message. If that's what you do, then good for you. My struggle is real. I trust Him but I don't - if I'm honest, because I still worry sometimes. I want His plan for my life - but I don't because I want my own plan. I believe He sees me and never forgets me 

 but I don't - because sometimes I believe that there are bigger problems and other people that need help and saving before me. I feel like I should not be complaining every time I do. Sometimes I feel like because I cannot see the help around the corner, it may not be there at all. And I think that if we were all honest, you share at least some of my sentiments. Why do we think we have to do and say all the right things? Meanwhile, God already knows! So why bother?! Instead, I go to Him in prayer. 

I am typically all jacked up about whatever is rattling my brain and I just say that to God. I think that is exactly what God wants me to do. In fact, I don't have to think it because the Bible actually tells us so. There you have it. God took care of it. He set things up so that I could feel how bad it could really get and then He protected me from actually having to experience it. And as long as we are stretched financially, I have absolutely no choice but to depend on God for my needs. This is why I struggle. This is why I suffer and go through. God knows that it brings me closer to Him and keeps me in communication with Him. So I have to wonder... Knowing what I know, will God ever bless me financially? I guess that is on me. God is looking at WHO I am and whether my actions are aligned with what I say I believe. I am sure that I have more growing to do but I am willing to get there if the Lord will have me.

 

Why we need to get off of prescriptions?

So I went to Target today and since we have no insurance right now, I had to pay cash for my husband's prescriptions. He is diabetic and is on a cocktail of pills to manage that along with high blood pressure and a few other things. This morning he shares that he's been out of his diabetes medication for days now and he is beginning to feel it so he really needs me to pick up this medication.

I am so glad I decided to call the pharmacy first. I spoke with a nice young lady who calmly, yet hesitantly shared that his prescription would cost be $1,300.07. I will pause here so that you can pick up your bottom lip from the floor. I think I choked on my saliva when she said that. I had to repeat it, just to be clear. Oh h*** naw!! I actually contemplated letting my husband suffer without the medication. Oh hush! It was only for a moment... or two. After I regained my senses, I had the presence of mind to ask her about a 30-day supply, as that price was for a 90-day supply. She checked and the 30-day cost was $436.07. I really like how they add that .07 cent at the end, like anyone even cares, after hearing the numbers BEFORE the decimal point. Then she mentioned that they take coupons too.

Coupons you say?

So I googled til my fingers fell off and found two coupons. Printed them and headed out. I got there and presented my coupons. Guess what? The guy tells me that they only work for people with insurance. Naturally. As he started to run my second coupon option, I decided to pick up the rejected coupon and read the fine print, which clearly stated that people without insurance WERE eligible. I pointed that out to him and he got the manager to help. About 5 minutes later she shared that the lowest she could get it down to is $246.07. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. I asked her to hold on a second while I checked the bank account. Well, there goes groceries this month! That's cool. We can snack on the stuff in between the couch cushions and whatever cans of mystery food everyone has in their pantry. Clearly, I'm being a bit dramatic but only a BIT! This nearly took us out!

So basically, if you don't believe in living off of God's green earth and you think vegans are weird. If you believe that I'm a little creepy because I use the purest essential oils to support my body's overall health along with homeopathic products from organic markets - that is just fine. Because when all else fails, maybe you just don't have a bottomless bank account and could use that money you are spending on prescriptions monthly for other things in your life. That could be your reason to explore a different option. If not, then nevermind. Just delete this whole conversation from your mind and we'll both move on as thought nothing took place at all.

As for me? I am completely traumatized and have vowed to make it my mission to never be in that position again.

Whatever you choose... goodluck and Godspeed! (I'm not really sure what Godspeed means but it seemed a fitting way to end this one, so do me a favor and go with it.)

Sinus Revolution - Update

So I came down with a self-diagnosed sinus infection on 11.28.15 and around 12.10.15, I can say that I’m done with it. My oils and natural method regimen supported my immune system divinely, although it took a few days longer than I wanted, I think I won this round. I find that when I’m inside, I’m healed but occasionally, when I am outside, it will flare up again. I’m thinking this sounds allergy related. Maryland is such a wooded, grassy pollen-filled area that it hard not to irritate your nose just by going outside for a spell. But, honestly, I’m content with that! I’ll take it. 

Errand Day

Today was spent running around. I woke up and took my daughter to school because the hubby had an appointment. Yeah, we were late but I don’t stress about it anymore. I know it’s a big deal to many parents but my philosophy is that the penalty isn’t great enough to convince me to sacrifice my pleasant, cooperative, low key mornings for the hustle, bustle and stress associated with saving a minute or two. But that’s just me… my husband is on time, most of the time. I will give him that. We got to school and I realized, I left my cell phone at home. So after I dropped her off, I headed back home and called a friend. S lives in Texas but she used to live here in Maryland so I miss her LOTS. We really needed a good “catch up” call and we got it but I needed to start my day so I headed out and had to end our fun talk.

My first stop was my girlfriend’s house to check on it since she’s traveling out of the country. I just brought in the mail, disposed of the dead flowers, emptied out the fridge, wiped down the dusty surfaces and took the trash out to the dumpster. I got two phone calls while I was there which slowed me down a bit – if you don’t know I really struggle to do more than one thing at a time. Not all women are great multi-taskers, let’s debunk that grand myth right now!

Before I left my girlfriend’s house to head to a few stores for returns, I text my other girlfriend, Sharon. Sharon has been elusive lately and boy did I recognize those signs. She was displaying all of the same behaviors I demonstrated last year as a battled through depression. I became reclusive and elusive. I got “quiet”, if that makes any sense. Boy had Sharon been quiet. I was concerned. I eventually harassed her enough to convince her to join me for lunch. Went to TJ Maxx for a return, then to Ross Dress for Less and returned 3 more things. While I’m on the topic, may I ask a question? Since when did stores start putting time limits on returns WITH the original receipt? What is that about?! If I bought it and I never used it and I paid for it, give me my doggone money back, please and thank you. Geesh! Okay, stepping down from soapbox now.

Sharon and I enjoyed Panera and good conversation. I love her dearly. My friends are so simple yet complicated. But I’m glad they are in my life. After Sharon and I finished we went to Wal-Mart where she made me spend money unnecessarily… AGAIN. Smh… I really need to stop. I’m so ashamed. But not quite ashamed enough to return everything so I guess we should move on. After that, I went to the bank and then got home at 3:25pm. Seriously? I’ve been gone all day and now I have to pick up the kid in like 15 minutes. Ever had one of those days?

Even though I got a lot done, yet didn’t feel super accomplished, the most important thing I did today was see, sit down with and enjoy my friends S and Sharon. My friends are important to me. I am fiercely loyal to them and watch out for them like a big brother should (except you know I’m a female, right? Ok.) That time I spend with them is an investment into our bond, our love for one another, our friendship. It is by far the best investment I can offer because I can never get my time back once I’ve spent it. How I fill my time becomes a memory. So today, I created beautiful memories and invested in my closest friends therefore, I have accomplished more than I thought! I’m grateful.