20 days? Really?!

So I'm now realizing that it has been 20 days since my last post. TWENTY DAYS! That's ridiculous. I mean, a lot happened, don't get me wrong. But it made me think about priorities.

My, my... when life got real, how quickly the blog tumbled down the list?! I did a cleanse. I got a death-seeking virus (okay, a little dramatic, but I was very near to my last breath... in my mind). I stepped up my fight with the State regarding my Health Insurance - or lack thereof, I should say. I taught more essential oils classes. I earned another coaching client. I went to a few adult gatherings and celebrations. Okay, we hit a few kiddie one's too! I spent time with friends I hadn't seen in way too long and I FINALLY got some decent sleep!

I guess I got tossed off track. But.. well... did I? Actually, I went on an unintentional hiatus. But I dare say, couldn't we all benefit from those every once in a while? I say yes. Yes, we could. Yes, we should.

I'm thinking that by getting off track, I might be right on track.

Up early? Or late?

I'm up. I've been up. I'm thinking and I can't stop the thinking. I'm wondering. I'm worried. I'm being too honest... Oh well. I don't have all the answers and I don't feel like I can control anything right now even though I can hear my mind saying, "Control the controllables." Ever have moments like that? Mine come at 3 and 4 am and keep me up until the early morning wake up times. Today will be a long one, it seems. 

Every time I start processing in my head, it becomes overwhelming. But when I open my mouth to speak to God... I start crying. And I don't even know why I cry! But I do... and it feels great! Well, during the cry it is confusing but afterward, it feels like a relief. Maybe I hide more than I thought? Maybe I really am bothered by things that I say (and believe) do not bother me? Maybe there are feelings there, when I thought there were none. 

Ahh, the irony of our prayers. I pray and pray for something. God answers my prayers by giving me what I said I wanted. Then I have it. There it is. All I have to do is pick it up. But I'm scared to lift my arms. All I need to do is walk through the door He opened, but my legs are paralyzed with fear. Why is that? Ugh! I think of the old adage, "Be careful what you pray for!" Oh, shut up! That's not helpful right now. Now, a push! A giant shove! That would be helpful. But it won't come. It never will. Because this leg of the journey is up to me. 

"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, 

But he who walks wisely will be delivered."

Proverbs 28:26 NASB

Head AND heart. All decisions should be made considering both. Business, personal, relational, even spiritual. Yes, I said spiritual. God gave us a mind to balance our hearts and a heart to balance our minds. He expects us to use them both, at all times, in varying ways. The wisdom is in when and how. I will pray for wisdom... You should too! 

Okay, that feels a bit better. Now, let's tackle this day! Until next time. 

Man in the Mirror

Have you ever looked at the mirror... naked... and just stood there long enough to find all 3,698 flaws? Phew!! I thought it was just me! What a relief! Well... kind of. 

Okay, so we admit that we do this and guess what? It's not just women. Men are just as, if not more, self-conscious. This is a FACT. Please do not dispute it. You will lose. 

So here's the question... What are we doing next? Does that critical conversation with ourselves end up motivating us to the gym, or to surgery or to the doctor? Does it send us into a downward spiral of depression and hopelessness? Does it make us congratulate ourselves that it is not worse than what it could be? Or does it make us binge eat since, "it doesn't seem to matter anyway"?

What are we telling ourselves and how are we responding to that? I feel like it is so easy to allow negative self-talk into our minds. And honestly, it wouldn't be so bad if that is all it was. But it's not. Those words become thoughts and those thoughts plant seeds and negative seeds yield a negative product. So why do we do it? I mean, let's be honest. Even if that talk drives you to the gym daily, you still view yourself as inadequate. Okay, so you're inadequate. Then who is adequate among us? Let me know!! It's definitely not me.

I mean, I don't know. I guess I'm trying to understand why I get so bored with myself so quickly. How can I see EVERY SINGLE THING that is wrong with me within a minute of looking at myself. Why do people with curly hair want straight hair and tall people wish they were shorter? Why do married people want to be single and single people want to be married? lol! I crack myself up! But really, it just feels like we are never satisfied with ourselves, our significant others, our homes, our jobs, almost everything. I literally could complain about just about everything in my life if challenged to. I think it's my faith that stops me. I literally feel guilty complaining because for as many things that I have to complain about, I could identify twice as many things to be grateful for. Yes, admittedly, I am an eternal optimist but I am also a believer in the Most High God. I just can't believe that a big ol' giant God would create something He thought was ugly or purposeless. That doesn't even make sense to me. 

So, today, when I look in the mirror, I will see it all. But I will choose what to focus on and I will reset my attitude about it. Today I will make that change. Tomorrow, I will do the same. On the third day, I may fail but it will not be due to a lack of effort nor will it mean I've lost. I've not lost. I've only experienced a minor setback. I will try again. 

 Ultimately, I am a series of the choices I make. I am a product of my own decisions. I am not a victim. Even when I am a victim, I can choose my response to the situation. I own it. I own it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. It is all a part of me and after all... perfection is overrated anyway!