Up early? Or late?

I'm up. I've been up. I'm thinking and I can't stop the thinking. I'm wondering. I'm worried. I'm being too honest... Oh well. I don't have all the answers and I don't feel like I can control anything right now even though I can hear my mind saying, "Control the controllables." Ever have moments like that? Mine come at 3 and 4 am and keep me up until the early morning wake up times. Today will be a long one, it seems. 

Every time I start processing in my head, it becomes overwhelming. But when I open my mouth to speak to God... I start crying. And I don't even know why I cry! But I do... and it feels great! Well, during the cry it is confusing but afterward, it feels like a relief. Maybe I hide more than I thought? Maybe I really am bothered by things that I say (and believe) do not bother me? Maybe there are feelings there, when I thought there were none. 

Ahh, the irony of our prayers. I pray and pray for something. God answers my prayers by giving me what I said I wanted. Then I have it. There it is. All I have to do is pick it up. But I'm scared to lift my arms. All I need to do is walk through the door He opened, but my legs are paralyzed with fear. Why is that? Ugh! I think of the old adage, "Be careful what you pray for!" Oh, shut up! That's not helpful right now. Now, a push! A giant shove! That would be helpful. But it won't come. It never will. Because this leg of the journey is up to me. 

"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, 

But he who walks wisely will be delivered."

Proverbs 28:26 NASB

Head AND heart. All decisions should be made considering both. Business, personal, relational, even spiritual. Yes, I said spiritual. God gave us a mind to balance our hearts and a heart to balance our minds. He expects us to use them both, at all times, in varying ways. The wisdom is in when and how. I will pray for wisdom... You should too! 

Okay, that feels a bit better. Now, let's tackle this day! Until next time.